Stay At Home Dadius

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After decades toiling at dead end jobs, I’ve recently found myself in the arena of being a stay at home Dad. This is a new experience to me, and from my time as a working Dad I don’t imagine doing it full time will be easy. Kids are daunting, and nearly as unrelenting as they are a joy.


In this article I want to create an open forum for Dads to come and discuss fatherly things in an adult forum. I don’t want this to be your typical parenting chat board. Kids are stressful, and I expect a lot of swearing and griping here. I want a no holds barred, back and forth between Dads who frequent this site. In each installment I’ll start with a quote from my kids, or the occasional current event. I’d like you Dads out there to pitch in with your most honest retorts, be it vulgar or even repulsive. I guarantee we’ve all had little samples of both in our patriarchal endeavors. Get involved and don’t hold back!


Sure, there’s room for good old Norman Rockwell stuff, but I want to create a space that’s acceptable for fathers to vent about ANYTHING. Fuck pc bullshit, parenting is hard work, so feel free to let loose with your best stories. We’ll have a a few laughs and maybe, just maybe, learn how to be better parents via dick jokes and toilet humor. I have this power, and I will share it with you!


Moms and wives are always welcome to pitch in too but try to keep the focus on Dads, because of course not everything is about YOU. As women you have Oprah, so save your PMS laden issues for her. What’s that? Oprah retired? Well, watch syndicated wisdom from that bloated twat on her own network. Either way this bit is fathers and I don’t think Oprah even has kids, so I couldn’t help you if I had the mind to anyway.


Alright, daddy-0’s. I’ll start this one with a recent back and forth between me and my 9 year old daughter talking while cleaning the house:


Daughter: “Dad could you live forever in a bathroom if you had enough food and water?”


Dad: “Yes dear, it’s called prison.”


Not only was this a cute anecdote, it was also a rare chance to discuss the American prison system with a nine year old. Well, looking back I do realize that talking to the average adult on the street about the American prison system is pretty much the same as discussing it with the average nine year old, but I digress. My daughter asked if prison was really like that, and I explained to her that it was. She was satisfied with the idea of punishment being an extended stay next to the place where you shit, and I was satisfied with not explaining the industrialization of the prison system. Not to mention the whole anal rape, and race war thing. So we dropped it, and went back to cleaning.


How do you even begin to explain the horrors of our prison system to a kid? Even worse, explaining it to your own kid! Is this an element of humanity that’s only revealed via film and television? I know it’s not a topic for a nine year old, but explaining it to a seventeen year old seems just as awkward. Hell, if an alien landed and asked me to describe prison to him I’d be ashamed to hash out all the lurid details. I’d likely just hand them both a stack of DvDs. “Look start with Ernest Goes to Jail, every season of Locked Up, then work your way up to American Me. You’re on your own, these movies pretty much say everything that needs to be said.”


I’m curious to see how other Dads out there would explain prison to their kids without scarring them both emotionally and mentally for life. Think about it, then post your method in the comment section below. Do you just leave HBO’s Oz on repeat in the nursery? Or is there some urbane method I’m missing as a complete sociopath?


I look forward to the responses, and hopefully some insightful solutions to such a sticky subject. Thanks for reading, and remember… You impregnated someone, and I need your input.


Your friend in Parenthood,