Kansas & the Case of the Boomerang Sperm

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Boomerang sperm

Today’s hotspot on the map of idiocy is a shocker……….Kansas.  Okay, okay.  This was no shocker to anyone who’s had the misfortune of visiting Kansas.  A backwards, far right, red state if there ever was one.  The salt of the Earth lives here and it shows.

The only good story to ever come out of Kansas is “The Wizard of Oz” and that was fictional.  Like the tale of Dorothy and the Great and Powerful Oz, this is a story nearly as outlandish, chocked full of gayness, set in rural Kansas, but in this case it’s frighteningly non-fiction.

It’s hard to pinpoint the alpha idiot in this scenario, so I’ll just start with the facts.  Three years ago a Kansas man used Craigslist to donate sperm to a lesbian couple that was looking to conceive.  I’ll repeat this.  A Kansas man used CRAIGSLIST to DONATE SPERM!!!  This guy has to be the Evel Knievel of idiots.  Moving on, the lesbian couple offered the donor: William Marotta, a generous fifty big ones for his mail ordered DNA, which he graciously refused.

I’m a bit old fashioned, and I’m not really hip to online shopping but this has to be a breach of common sense.  I can understand unloading old lawn furniture or advertising a garage sale, but to shift your spunk in order for a life to be created seems a little short sighted if not downright gross!  Alas, his seed was shipped and the women recipients whipped out the turkey baster, and conceived a child forthwith.

I know the turkey baster concept is a tad graphic and presents a foul visual, but it’s important to remember because none of the parties involved thought it wise to use a doctor for their artificial insemination.  They did have the foresight to draw up a homemade document that absolved the donor of any rights to the child including financial obligation.  Here again we see the flaws presented in the “Make Your Own Baby” kit as it might have been prudent to have an attorney assess the contract to ensure its validity.

Late in 2012, Mr. Moratta was ordered to pay child support by the State of Kansas.  The moneyshot he blew into the ethereal realm of the internet backfired, thus ushering the proverbial return trip of the Boomerang Sperm. As quoted by the donor: “No good deed goes unpunished.

Angela Bauer, 40, and Jennifer Schreiner, 34, placed the ad in 2009.  All was well until Ms. Bauer fell ill, lost her source of employment and filed for welfare.  The couple had separated since the birth of the child, and as a single mother Ms. Bauer was forced into public assistance.

It’s worth noting that the couple already had EIGHT adopted children before the latest, controversial addition.  Unless you are a millionaire, having a ninth child for ANY couple is financially ignorant.  I’m all for gay marriage and gay rights but I really wished that these two had invested in an order by mail sterility kit instead of trolling for discount jizz on Craigslist.  This couple may have had the right intentions, but their disregard for the sheer cost of a single baby is paramount to the source of this conflict.

Before the entire blame is set on the DIY-test-tube-baby-crew, I want to point out that the sole reason that this is even happening is because of Kansas’s nineteenth century view on gay marriage and civil unions.  Kansas’s state government is led by Governor Sam Brownback, the Evangelical firebrand who is rabidly pro-life, anti-evolution, and an all around right-wing wanker.

Since Kansas refuses to recognize any union outside of the biblical template, its legislative protocol is to seek recompense for child support via the biological parents despite any ad-hock agreements that modern citizens may have created to circumvent the “traditional” definition of marriage.

If Kansas would drop its futile bulwark against civil rights for gays, Mr. Marotta (the donor) would have never been forced into litigation.  The lesbian couple in question never sought Mr. Marotta for support, and fight alongside him to dismiss the support charges all together.  Their only fault lies in poor planning and now the taxpayers are footing the bill for the child’s well being.  Ms. Bauer and Ms. Schreiner are willing to be held fully accountable and rightly should be.  The problem lies in the state’s religious slant on gay marriage.

If this couple were allowed to adopt EIGHT children by the state and deemed financially able to sustain them it just seems as an attack to call foul on the ninth child because the religious right disagrees on how the couple conceived their latest addition.  Kansas needs to accept the fact that gay citizens need to have the same rights as anyone else.

The state’s official defense is that “When a single mother seeks benefits for a child, the department routinely tries to determine the child’s paternity and require the father to make support payments to lessen the potential cost to taxpayers.” As given by the state’s Department for Children and Families spokeswoman Angela de Rocha.

I don’t want anyone to pay for this misadventure in social engineering, besides the people who agreed to pay for it.  The donor is an idiot for slinging his man-milk on fucking Craigslist but he’s only a donor, not a father.  The couple is idiotic for not realizing that if you’re trying to be frugal conceiving the ninth child, you’re likely going to be hard pressed for cash when raising it.  Both parties are to blame for not involving doctors when conceiving a baby or a lawyer when drawing up official contracts.  It’s a shit-storm of colossal proportions, but the state of Kansas is the ultimate problem.

It’s disappointing when people are idiots, but it’s downright oppressive when a State takes on that same trait.  There would be no paternity suit at all if gay marriage were to be made legal in Kansas.

Sure, it sucks to have to pay for other people’s children but it’s irrelevant as to how they conceived them.  If the state were truly concerned about wasting taxpayer’s money, then they wouldn’t waste it on pursuing non-cases.

The state is currently seeking around $6,000 from Mr. Marotta in support penalties and the lesbian couple has vowed to repay him for every cent the state charges him.  Outside of harassing a sperm donor with legal fees, we have the same equation in place if it were made in a setting that allowed gay marriage.

To me, pursuing false paternity is an egregious waste of taxpayer funding.  It’s just more middle man bullshit to push a religious agenda that serves only to keep down citizens who deserve every right that a religious one may enjoy.

Wake up Kansas, the present is calling.  You can click your homophobic ruby slippers as hard as you want, you’re not going back home.  Gay Americans have always been here, and always will be.  Please stop hiding behind your bible when you attempt to keep a large portion of the nation under your theocratic boot heel.  Civil rights apply to the entire populace, not just the ones who follow your magical, dogmatic, sexual-rule set.

Picking on bean flickers and pole smokers isn’t the government’s job, it’s mine.

Leave these fine people alone and focus on practical ways to save taxpayer’s money.  Grow up and practice real separation of church and state.  This Puritan last stand thing is getting really old.  You’ve lost soundly and it’s time to treat the gay community as equals. Anything less is religious tyranny.  You know, the thing your precious fore-fathers came here for in the first place.

Thank You,