Once again it’s time for you pussy-whipped retards to buy candy, cards and flowers for your sweeties.
Or else. You are in the doghouse. Not getting any.
This is the general consensus of everyone out there. Everyone wants to know what you’re getting your girlfriend or wife for February 14th.
What should your answer be? Nothing.
What are the consequences? Nothing.
Should we go on about the principal of not conforming to what the over-exposed consumerism of our society tells us to do?
Should we instead love our partners every day of the year and tell them we love them more often and not just go spend money on all that sh*t they expect you to get for them out of some sick peer-pressure?
Should we celebrate the fact that we are once again hijacking a Christian holiday for our own silly purposes?
You got it.
For all of us who were unfortunate to be raised Catholic we remember this holiday as SAINT Valentine’s Day.
That’s something most of you have not ever heard.
See, the day was set aside to observe St. Valentine. Some believe St. Valentine was a martyr in ancient Rome who married couples despite marriage being forbidden by Emperor Claudius II.
As most Roman Emperors (and Popes) tend to be power-abusing pricks, Claudius had Valentine arrested, imprisoned, beaten and beheaded. It was later decided to make him a saint.
Of course there are other theories on how Valentine’s Day started. Was it a pagan holiday (Lupercalia) hijacked by the Catholic Church? Were there more than one St. Valentine? Did the imprisoned version pass “Valentine” notes to his lover while behind bars?
We’re not history teachers, you idiots.
One thing is for certain: we love to see holidays taken away and replaced with reasons to get gifts, drunk and laid. If it’s a religious holiday. Even better. Just look at St. Patrick’s Day. Do any of you know who St. Patrick was? Do you know that you should be wearing green and drinking Guinness?
Just as I thought.
Look, we’ve already replaced the resurrected Jesus thing with a giant bunny that distributes colorful eggs.
Hell, we’ve even swiped Mexican Independence Day as our own day to drink Corona’s and eat (and eventually vomit) nachos.